Blue Sky, Rainy Heart

The sun was bright today, and my Texas sky was as blue as I could I ever hope for. Even that beauty could not ease the sadness in my soul.

My love was here with me this weekend. We talked and laughed and loved, held hands and spent time being quiet together. I slept in his arms, and woke to his smile. It was almost like an enchantment; bonded fully yet bonding even more. I was happier in those few days than I have been in a very very long time.

The man fills me and fulfills me; he is the yin to my yang. He teases and pleases; he is a strong, proud, temperamental and sensitive male. He is beyond compare; beyond words.

I should have stayed at the hotel and let him go to the airport alone; I knew it in my heart and yet I couldn't bear to let him leave that way. We went to the airport together, and I waited and watched as he checked in. A last kiss, and as he walked to the gate I could feel my heart breaking. He walked away, back to his life & responsibilities, and I remained behind. I know this is the way it needs to be, at least for a little bit of time longer. Knowing and accepting did not make the leaving easier.

I cried for most of yesterday, and for some good parts of today as well. It is foolish and weak, I know. I am a woman who has been blessed to have found my mate, and for that I am eternally grateful. It is the selfish, childish part of me that is crying. I know that. I accept that weakness of my character. But I am who I am, and I miss him so badly that it is a primal, haunting pain in my heart.

I need him to come home to me. Soon.

Counting Down!

Dwayne is coming to visit!

I am so happy and excited that the love of all my lifetimes is finally going to be here in Austin! We have a bond more powerful than anything that can be described by the mere words of humans. It transcends time and space; it total and immortal. We have loved each other since the beginning of time, and we will love each other until time ends. We know this as surely as we know that night follows day.

It's funny, but I don't know exactly how long we have been together in this lifetime. Most women can tell you the date they met their man, where they were and what they were wearing. I know HOW we met, and how it began. But a date? Nope. Even a year? Nope again. It's probably in the area of 4+ years. Frankly, it doesn't matter a bit. We found each other, and we are together. That's all that matters to me.

He lives in Michigan; I lived in NY until 2 months ago. Life circumstances have kept us living in different states thus far. Now, finally, we are beginning to see the day coming when we will be able to live together at last.

So, in 2 days he will be coming here to Austin for the very first time. I can't wait to see him ,of course. I actually feel like a teenager getting ready for her first date -- that's how excited and happy I am. My ADD brain has been whirling feverishly for weeks now, planning and anticipating and dreaming.

We have this incredible psychic/mental/emotional connection, and we have had it since the very first night we spoke. It has always been amazing and intense, but here in Austin it is even stronger than before. I feel him so close -- most days I can almost feel him touching me, or see his precious face. To know that 48 hours from now I will be in his arms is a thought so beautiful that it almost makes me cry.

There are so many things I want to show him here, so many places I want to take him! I want him to meet my friends, and I want to see my beautiful city through his eyes. I know he will be more than enchanted by Austin. How could he not be? He is the other part of me, so I know he will fall as deeply in love with this magical place as I have. I just can't wait for him to look north on Congress Avenue and see our magnificent Capitol building, in all it's proud glory. I can't wait to stand on the Ann Richards Bridge and watch his face as the bats fly out, swooping and swirling on their nightly dance. I want to listen to music with him at the Elephant Room and the Continental Club, and I want to explore the museums and Sixth Street with him. I want to prowl around SoCo together, and buy him a snack at Hey, Cupcake. I want to sit outside and eat with him, and ride the bus with him (which he will tease me about) and I want to swim in Barton Springs with him.

Mostly, though, I just want to be with him here. I can't wait to look into his eyes, and hold his hand, and kiss his sweet lips, and talk and laugh with him. All that, and more. I can't wait to fall asleep in his arms and wake up next to him. I love him, and he will be here in less than 2 days!

Texas Skies

They say that everything is bigger in Texas. The more I get to know Texas (and Texans) I am starting to believe it.

It surely seems as if the sky here is bigger and bluer than anywhere else. I am constantly amazed to wake every virtually morning to another clear, sunny day. The sun blazes hot here, even in the early morning, yet it only reaches is full power and glory in the mid-afternoon. Afternoons here are made for siestas, as puny humans are truly not equipped to meet the Texas sun head-on. At least, humans that were bred in the northeast aren't!

It is not the sun that is so remarkable, however. I find the sky here breathtaking. It goes on forever after, wide and wonderful. The Texas sky is a blue so powerful that it almost hurts to look at it. It's surreal; not even remotely like anything I've ever seen before. Even a clear day in NY will never get this intense, color-saturated vibrancy. The Texas sky sings to me.

As if the universe knows that I couldn't quite bear that thoroughly unrelenting blueness, I am always gifted a few fleecy, white, cottony cumulus clouds hanging peacefully above me. They hang low, so low I can almost reach out and touch their softness.

The light changes at dusk, as an ethereal glow settles around us for a few fleeting moments. Sunsets are a blaze of Texas colors -- peach, orange, red, gold, violet, and indigo, all melting together in a swirling Cezanne-like display, finally dancing offstage to make way for the black velvet of night.

The stars are low here, and lavish in their display. I can see eternity in their serene abundance. The night sky is a soft shawl, wrapping me in it's embrace.

I am a pagan here, connected to Creation as I stand on the hard clay earth and gaze at my gorgeous Texas sky in all it's glory. Time loses meaning when you are celebrating eternity and singing with the universe.

Changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes

I have been in Texas almost 3 weeks. With every day that passes New York slips further and further away. With that comes an amazing feeling of peace. I feel as if I have shed my skin, like a snake does. I am so content here that I almost can't believe that this is really my life. I think perhaps I spent far too many years being sad and somehow had forgotten (or maybe never knew?) how to be happy.

I absolutely love this city! It is so beautiful, so quirky, so friendly, and so filled with music! I have been riding the bus and walking around as much as possible. Everywhere I go I am seeing something new or talking to someone new. I feel as if the city has opened it's arms and embraced me, welcoming me home.

Yes, this is home. I know, without a doubt in my mind, that this is the place I am supposed to be. I realize that Austin & I are on our honeymoon here, and I am realistic enough to know that not everything will be perfect. But God! I am so very happy to be here. What a blessing this decision has been.

Crossing the Air Bridge

11 days ago I found myself at 30,000 feet, suspended in a metal tube, and hurtling 500 mph through midair. I was, for a bit over 3 hours, literally suspended between the past and the future.

Those three hours gave me time to reflect upon this journey I have undertaken. I have felt so trapped for so long; I was a prisoner held by chains of guilt, duty, and despair. It was time, I knew it was time, for me to break those chains. And so, I made a decision. I somehow found the motivation to become proactive in the story of my life.

So there I sat, JetBlueing my way from New York to Texas. As we made our way across the miles, I could feel the weights of my past life slipping away.

For the record, my family thinks I'm nuts. Certifiable. They can not understand how a divorced, 52 year old Caucasian woman who had spent her life in solid middle class would suddenly decide to relocate 1600 miles away from "everything". What they don't see is that what they consider "everything" in reality is nothing to me. I have no husband or children, no job or home of my own to tie me to NY. Yes, I have friends there. Guess what? I will have friends in Texas, too. And yes, I have my family. I have parents and four siblings. I love them all dearly, but they all, every one of them, have their own lives. They will still be my family and I will still love them. So what does it matter where I lay my head at night?

What my family didn't see was the despair. They didn't see, and would never be able to comprehend, the agony of doubt that corroded my self-confidence.

I almost copped out here, and blamed my abusive husband for that corrosion of confidence. Yes, he was, in many ways, the instrument of destruction, but I was the one who handed him the weapons with which to kill my self-esteem. Too many years in a destructive relationship had made me a caricature of the woman I really am. Or at least, the woman I know I should be. Be a good girl, take care of others, sacrifice yourself for others. You are not worthy of happiness or fulfillment. Believe me, I drank the Kool-Aid. And found myself in my own private Jonestown, ready to put the final glass to my lips.

Then along came Austin....

Keys

Keys, keys, keys. Interesting items that are a mundane and generally unnoticed part of our daily lives. I've been thinking about them a lot these past few days.

I have been divesting myself of keys this past week, one set at a time. First my car keys went to their new owner. Next, the key to James' house. The mailbox key went with it. Tomorrow, I will leave Stephen's apartment, and leave his keys here for him. I will have no keys left but one: the key to the storage unit that holds 99% of my earthly possessions.

As I have left keys behind, I feel I have been shedding pieces of my past life. Each key gone was one more weight removed from my shoulders. Each key gone helped close the doors of my past behind me. Tomorrow I will have a new key: the key to my new home.

My new life is beginning. I can't wait!

Prelude

Perhaps in reality this is the "Intermission" of my life. Regardless, I have decided that I am declaring this a prelude to the rest of my life. I am breaking away, breaking out. I am leaving the place where I was born and raised, where I married and divorced, and where I have laughed and cried for my entire life. I am leaving this place behind, and making my way to a city that speaks to my soul. I leave here alone, with only my dog for company. This will be the story of my new life. I will write, as frequently as I can, about my new home and my new life. I will definately be pouring out my thoughts and emotions, and I seriously doubt that the tale will be linear in any way, shape, or form. My mind tends to meander down myriad paths, and I frankly see no reason to change things now.

This is me. This is my life.