Changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes

I have been in Texas almost 3 weeks. With every day that passes New York slips further and further away. With that comes an amazing feeling of peace. I feel as if I have shed my skin, like a snake does. I am so content here that I almost can't believe that this is really my life. I think perhaps I spent far too many years being sad and somehow had forgotten (or maybe never knew?) how to be happy.

I absolutely love this city! It is so beautiful, so quirky, so friendly, and so filled with music! I have been riding the bus and walking around as much as possible. Everywhere I go I am seeing something new or talking to someone new. I feel as if the city has opened it's arms and embraced me, welcoming me home.

Yes, this is home. I know, without a doubt in my mind, that this is the place I am supposed to be. I realize that Austin & I are on our honeymoon here, and I am realistic enough to know that not everything will be perfect. But God! I am so very happy to be here. What a blessing this decision has been.

Crossing the Air Bridge

11 days ago I found myself at 30,000 feet, suspended in a metal tube, and hurtling 500 mph through midair. I was, for a bit over 3 hours, literally suspended between the past and the future.

Those three hours gave me time to reflect upon this journey I have undertaken. I have felt so trapped for so long; I was a prisoner held by chains of guilt, duty, and despair. It was time, I knew it was time, for me to break those chains. And so, I made a decision. I somehow found the motivation to become proactive in the story of my life.

So there I sat, JetBlueing my way from New York to Texas. As we made our way across the miles, I could feel the weights of my past life slipping away.

For the record, my family thinks I'm nuts. Certifiable. They can not understand how a divorced, 52 year old Caucasian woman who had spent her life in solid middle class would suddenly decide to relocate 1600 miles away from "everything". What they don't see is that what they consider "everything" in reality is nothing to me. I have no husband or children, no job or home of my own to tie me to NY. Yes, I have friends there. Guess what? I will have friends in Texas, too. And yes, I have my family. I have parents and four siblings. I love them all dearly, but they all, every one of them, have their own lives. They will still be my family and I will still love them. So what does it matter where I lay my head at night?

What my family didn't see was the despair. They didn't see, and would never be able to comprehend, the agony of doubt that corroded my self-confidence.

I almost copped out here, and blamed my abusive husband for that corrosion of confidence. Yes, he was, in many ways, the instrument of destruction, but I was the one who handed him the weapons with which to kill my self-esteem. Too many years in a destructive relationship had made me a caricature of the woman I really am. Or at least, the woman I know I should be. Be a good girl, take care of others, sacrifice yourself for others. You are not worthy of happiness or fulfillment. Believe me, I drank the Kool-Aid. And found myself in my own private Jonestown, ready to put the final glass to my lips.

Then along came Austin....